What’s wrong with the way I think?

This is bothering me.

I know you’re out there, the cynics, the pessimists, the people who can’t seem to find a good thing to say about anything. Those of you who are constantly feeling sorry for yourself and blaming everyone else for your problems. And I don’t know, maybe I am crazy, maybe.

So here it goes, why not put it out on the line. I have nothing to hide. While I am by no means a perfect person, I am also not a bad person. While I do not feel people should choose me as a role model, I also feel they could do worse.

Whatever.

Every other week I see a counselor. Yes, because I get stressed out and I worry about things. I thought okay so maybe seeing a counselor could help me learn how to cope with that better. Maybe coping with stress and worry would alleviate my tension and headaches, which would then help me be more energetic and pleasant. You know? Are you following this logic?

Said counselor asks what things help to comfort me or calm me and I say I like candles. Vanilla, apple & cinnamon, those scents comfort me. So I have been burning candles more at home and I brought in those reed/oil diffusing things for work since I can’t burn candles at work. It does help, I like those smells, they make me smile.

What else?

Music. I love music. But I also need to be able to concentrate, so I’m listening to more ambient music while I work. Occasionally throwing in some Frank Sinatra. Pandora.com is a wonderful thing. Truly. Background music helps and doesn’t seem to bother my co-workers.

She says I need to take time to breathe. I have to breathe anyway so why not take time to breathe deeply. From my diaphragm she says. Something about oxygen to the brain and serotonin and chemicals. Okay. I’m breathing. Deeply. From my diaphragm.

While breathing I should try pushing on my Acupressure Facial Rejuvenation Points. Alright, I’ll try, I’m working on relieving stress. I want to be a more pleasant person. I’m pushing on my face. Here goes nothing folks.

I go into a new session feeling better, I’ve been working on coping and dealing and breathing and facial pressure points. I think I’m doing good. So she asks me, “How are you doing on your “black and white thinking”?

Bah.

I forgot about that.

My counselor says the world is not black and white, it is gray. She also says that I am not my thoughts. I am having trouble with these things. Because to me I’m not thinking in black and white, I’m channeling Yoda and insisting in the whole there is no TRY, there is only DO. And I feel I AM indeed my thoughts. If someone does something wrong it is wrong. If that someone is me then I have done something wrong. Plain and simple. If something needs to get done then it needs to get done. I don’t care if I’m throwing up with a migraine, if I tell myself it is time to be supermom then dammit I’m going to get whatever it is done.

How can you decrease your black and white thinking? The answer is pretty simple she says: remember to add shades of gray. Sorry, pardon me while I snicker, because to me that is now simple. In fact, I SIMPLY do NOT understand.

She asked, “Is it a good thing if someone goes to jail?”

I said, “If that someone broke the law, then yes, it is a good thing for them to deal with the consequences.”

She said, “If this person ends up getting raped while they are in jail, is it a good thing?”

I said, “Well, no of course not.”

She said, “So then, is it a good thing for that person to go to jail?”

I said, “No.” My eyes welled up with tears.

She said, “Christy, it is a gray world. It is not black and white. And if you keep thinking black and white you will always be stressed out.”

I think I need to bring some crayons to our next session. Someone needs to see some color. I don’t think I’m black and white, I think I’m RAINBOW! Excuse me, pardon me gray, I’m on my way to some blue and red and green!

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